my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize
