Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
