Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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