Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
