im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
