I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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