Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
