ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
