someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
