So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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