and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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