You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Randomize
