we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
