she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
