On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
