There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
