I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
