i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Randomize
