I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Randomize
