I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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