Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
