I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
