the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
