I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
