WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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