Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
