my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
