Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
