I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
