I got chris browned last night
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
