Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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