Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
i think im in europe. pls send help
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
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