you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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