How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
