things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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