you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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