I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
