It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
