Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
