I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon�
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Never underestimate the power of titties
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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