If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
