$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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