I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
