either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
