Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Randomize
