i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
