Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
