Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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