bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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