bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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